Details are emerging this morning of what is being hailed as a “socio-economic technological breakthrough.” Jake Wallis Simons (32), while eating his cornflakes at breakfast, was hit by an idea that may provide the solution to the extreme social unrest that has sparked rioting in recent days.

“It was obvious, really,” said Simons to a growing number of reporters gathering outside his three bedroom home. “All the best ideas are like that. You find yourself wondering why nobody thought of it before.”

The idea, which has already been patented and copyrighted, takes the form of an iPhone App which will be called the “Extermahoodie.”

“The way it works is very simple,” Simons explained. “On its mildest setting, the Extermahoodie will cause your iPhone to emit a powerful, high-pitched frequency that will be inaudible to adults, but agonising to the ears of teenagers. At the tap of a screen, you can clear your area of hoodies to a radius of four metres.”

Setting number two will add a high-voltage electric charge to the emission which will cause minor burns to the teenagers’ inner ears, while setting number three – the most extreme – will instantly “kettle” the troublemakers by calling up a unit of Blackwater (XE) mercenaries, who will be on the scene within ten seconds and beat the youths to pulp.

“I’ve already had two hundred thousand orders,” said Simons smugly. “What with this and the Zapp App I invented last week, I’m well on the way to riches beyond my wildest dreams.” He bridled, however, at suggestions he was profiteering. “People just want to be safe,” he said. “You should be levelling that charge at people like Blackwater.” Then, spotting the loophole in his argument, he slunk away.

One Response to “#JWSNEWSFLASH: British Writer Hits On iPhone App To Solve #LondonRiots”