New information has come to light that Jake Wallis Simons (32) – a British novelist and journalist – has applied to join the British secret service, SIS (popularly known as MI6).

“I can’t really comment,” he told reporters, “as the process is top secret. Suffice to say that I was approached at a cocktail party by a chap called Steve, who asked me to attend an interview at a secret location in Connaught Place, London, just opposite the Mayfair Conference Centre, in one of the upstairs rooms. Number 314 I think it was. At the interview I was asked about my views on Israel and Palestine, Northern Ireland, extraordinary rendition and the legality or otherwise of targeted assassinations. I was also asked in what circumstances I believed that international law did not apply. Then I was subjected to extensive psychometric testing, and a rigorous physical examination. I was exhorted not to breathe a word of this to anyone, and told I would receive my next instructions within ten working days. At the end of the interview, they asked me if I had any questions. I asked if the code name 007 was taken in real life, and if not, could I bagsie it? They said they’d factor it in. I’m actually really excited.”

When asked what prompted the sudden career change, Simons was candid. “It all comes down to my deep-seated sense of patriotism, which was magnified following the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks,” he said. “Also I could do with a steady income. And a license to kill would be not unwelcome.”

MI6 sources, however, have dismissed the writer as just one of hundreds of fantasists they face every week. “Nobody has ever approached the man, and if he contacted us, we’d certainly never take him seriously,” they said. “What use could a hapless novelist ever be to us? Connaught Place? What? Simons has just written a thriller, don’t forget. We think that speaks for itself.”

Simons responded with characteristic disdain. “They would say that, wouldn’t they?” he said.